Buchinger Aboard - A Location - A Minor Hitch - The Performaunce - The Gravity of Stardom

Nowe that Buchinger and I hadde formd our groupe, the date was sett for oure first foraye into th'arena. It behoved me to enlighten hym of my formere plight, so that he mighte understande better from whence the lyrickal inspiration for oure new projeckt stemmd, and also that he coulde supply some of the correckt musickal interjeckshuns as and when fit. I explaind what had happend to Jereboam, Lady Maud &c. as beste I coulde; Dr. Harvey I mostly lefte oute for Matthews sake. However, I hadde recently receyvd a peece of news that I hope wyll interest you as muche as it chilld me.

Jereboam M-G, beinge cartd to Bedlamme as I have noted, had founde herselfe, to speke more exactly, in a kind of Hospital for the Criminally Insane. The mere screamers and lycanthropes, it seemeth, remaine in a kind of lowe-security facility, while the truly dangerous such as Jereboam are kept in a special confinement that is designd to keepe them right oute of the publick consciousness. She had writ me a letter from her celle, explaining a most uncanny turne of events. Apparently, her arrest hadde ledde to a period of the cruellest interrogation in which she bawled out Dr. Harvey's name so many times the investigators were fixd on bryngynge him inne and havynge a word. The longe and the shorte of't is: Harvey nowe resided in a cage beside her in Cell Blocke F.

My delighte at the symmetry of eventes was onlye compounded by the realization that Buchinger, beynge suche a major draw, was in grete demande aboute the meetyng-houses, schools and theatres of the regyoun. The there promisd so litel trouble gettynge a gigge was one thynge, but whenne the possibility was raisd thatte we mighte performe in a PRISON, my eyes instantly caught fire. Harvey and Manx-Granville together. If we coulde incite a kynde of riot or similar disturbaunce, they mighte bothe be crushd in the thronge and nobody woulde be any the wyser to my schemynge. I popped Buchinger uppe from the foldynge bedde and tolde hym we coulde really execute a glorious showe.

-Youre beinge drivn by madnesse, Nashe. Whatte do you expeckt me to do. I am but a lighe entertainer.

I brushd aside hys fears like so many cleand bones.

-Buchinger, if we can pleye thys gigge, all thynges mighte be cleand up and you mighte also get a rosette for youre lovely hede.
-A rosette?

Buchinger was a simpel manne.

-Yes. And thatte lovely pinte I have been mentally measurynge beside you for a goode fewe dayes now.
-Yes plese. Youre a crackynge fellowe and a good egge.

So we donnd our capes, mustachioes, poinards, doublets, thonges, wigges and electrick vizors etc and sette off for the local Prison for the Insane.

A straunge younge ladye mette us at the door and thenne begann t'injeckt us wyth chemicals I knowe not whiche. By the ende of the session Buchinger was lyvynge the rock and rolle dreame. A while passd as I recoverd my effects, and I was tunynge my triangle in the lavatory whenne a vaste Guard came in to telle me Buchingere was doynge his make-up in the canteen and was thys close to a beatynge. Rushynge to my co-workers aide, my minde racd alonge wyth me. I realisd Buchinger, seemynge so vulnerable but also, as I hadde learnd in the precedynge dayes, an accredited master of Kung-Fu, Rapiers and God knoweth whatte else, was goynge to playe a crucial role in oure ackt. As I burste into the dinynge halle I sawe hym tryynge on a boa by his reflexion in the lacklustre silverware. I bowled for'ard and took a hold of his stuntd armes, keepynge backe the convicts wyth the speche I ventriloqisd thro' hys frame.

Ho! Ho! Come to witnesse me, the Sherrife of Despaire, later! Ho! In the main Blocke! Ile fit you all, Ile take all of you onne, all of you, come on. Aren't I a funny litel manne. Ho! I am the Sherriffe of Despaire.

The idiottes thought Buchinger was spekynge and boppynge but really it was I manipulatynge from the rear. His neat body jiggld on the table. The convicts wente wilde for't. I kept Buchinger backe and tooke hym to the dressyng-room.

-Do not make yourselfe uppe in publick Matthew it maketh you looke vulnerable.
-I have evry righte, I am a starre.
-Notte yet. Notte yet.

Come the showe, we performd many of oure own songes: 'Car Bus Carriage Highway'; 'The Ballade of Shoe #2'; 'The Roar in Youre Emptye Hede', and oure real hitte was 'Childe Behynde the Bar'. The place was heavynge and Buchinger performd some trickes wyth cardes and dyce durynge th'intermission, in his 'Sherriffe of Despaire' character that I hadde invented. Instede of incitynge violence, he absolutely broughte the house downe. We closd wyth a cover of 'The Nyghte We Calld It a Daye'. Buchinger guested on vocals and blacke cylinder for that numbere, and I conductd the military choir who didde harmony. The climactick note made four prisoners die in the front row, so mighty was Buchinger's voix. Yette Doctor Harvey was nowhere to be seene.

Buchinger was stille holdynge that final note as the roome cleard. He seemd false. There was no emocioun. The lights dimmd and night seepd in where the light was before. Stille Buchinger helde the note. I sate downe and considerd my planne was not so fine after all, but sillye, sillye. No riot woulde begin at oure concerte. Nothynge coulde be unleashd. Stille Buchinger helde the note. Was he alrighte? He was holdynge the note. Coulde he move? Could he see? It seemd holdyng the note was enough for his continued amusement. Stille he helde the note. I was furious and threw him.

Stille he helde the note. I am retirynge, I announced, from thys businesse. It is notte destrucktive enough and there is no meaning at all in't.

I lefte hym there.

Mysterious Circumstances - Twin Luckes Ill and Good - The Moste Horrendous Thynge - A Desperate Yet Brilliaunt Planne

I am verye muche aware that recentlye I have not been as assiduousse as has been my wont in crankynge oute desckripshuns of my adventures. There is a verye simple resoun to this and it will notte take too longe t'explayne. I have been extremely, extremely drunke. More drunke than I have ever been before. So drunke, in fact, that when I woke uppe this morning on a parke benche in Munich, I hadde not the foggiest Idea what or where I was. Tear-blinded, I fashiond a device to catapault myselfe to the toppe of the tallest parke-tree, so that I koud better guage the Lay of the Land. Imagine my horrour when I realisd from my crows-nest, dear reader, that it was not Munich at all. No. It was Axminster. And I was just rubbynge my hede with confusyoun when I herd a very smalle grey voice some 30 feet beneathe me.

A smalle boy had ta'en up residence at the foote of my litel tree, and was screeching out a list of entertainments, to be playd in the square that a'noon. Occasionally, noisome wordes driftd up to Nashe through the branches, wordes like 'fantastick' and 'exotick' and 'amusynge', which I feare and loathe not lesse than Gehenna. Shimmyynge uppe into the higest branches so as t'escape this unwholesome intrusion uponn my mornynge in Axminster, I happd to falle painfully down th'entire tree and backe to earthe. Satisfacktorily, I crushd the boye, but pulld from his mangld hand a Bill of Fare, if you wille, for the forementioned Diversions, to be taking place in the Square &c. &c. Feelynge that some remorse shld be felte for the pore tykes being so cruelly flattend away, I decided to go and have a jolly goode laugh at whatsoever he was peddlynge.

Arrivynge at the Square about Two, I was mette withe a vaste thronge of people, who clusterd like blackberries about a single geometrick point in the plaza. Yet nothyng appeard to be there; it was as if they were inspecting a minute playe. Blastynge my waye to the front, I came upon a site, whose description the lady reader mighte do beste to averte her eyes from, that filld me with a deep sense of shame and Emptinesse.

[Ladye reader plese averte]

The man could notte have been more than 3 feete tall, yet he was glorious wyde, almoste like to a human ziggurat in the thronge at Axminster. His eyes and face seemd in perfickt proportion, yet to see the rest of him was ghastlye, a twisted pranke by Nature. With hands attachd to his shoulders, and feet to his groyne, he somehow fashiond to play on th'ocarina, singynge out a passable swete tune that missd some of the highr notes and I fancye koud have bene done wyth a litel more vigour. The croud abovt hym were wondrovs pleasd and they were applaudynge his every note, e'en the wrong ones of which, as I have noted, there were not a fewe. Callynge oute 'Matthew Buchinger' at the toppes of theyre voyces, they laughed enchanted as the straunge beest attemptd a bowe which saw him falle flatte on his face.

[Ladye reader plese reverte]

I tooke th'opportunity to congratulate the mis-shapen celebritie at my first convenience; I bagged him uppe and tooke him to my roomes by traine. Proppd on the kitchen table, he made quite a strykynge fixture. But I was notte for matchynge the curtayns with my future companyoun.

-Now, 'Buchinger', although I enjoyd youre performance very muche and woulde lyke to congratulate you with a nyce pinte, firste you shalle teche me everythynge you knowe aboute th'ocarina. Also, the hautboye, the straunge flute, the mezzo-soprano,and any other intrumentes you have tuckd away in that suprizing bulke of yours.

Buchinger did notte speke, but blew a short songe on his flute which delightedde me so thate I hadde to put my brewynge planne out before hym before it beganne to stewe.

-You and I, Buchinger, are goynge to forme a musickal groupe. It wyll be calld 'Thomas Nashe and the Straunge Litel Manne', is thatte satisfactory?

Buchinger playd an f-sharpe, a revoltynge note by whyche he meant his displeasure.

-Howe aboute 'Thomas Nashe feat. the Sherriff of Despaire'

Buchinger agreed. I hadde founde his niche. A few dabbes of eyeliner and a swifte arrangemente wyth my agent and we were readye for a Performaunce.