Nashe receiveth a Letter - The Contents Reproduc'd - A Visit From her Ladyshippe - The Commision

It was already six o'clock in th'evenynge when eye noted that I was holdinge a letter. It was a creas'd pale envelope with a great smackere of a Stampe, emboss'd with the gigantic crimsom seal of My Lady Maud Cockaigne de Morte-Croix. Lady Maud hadde seen fitt to enclose a locke of her pubick hair, which I discarded. Here follow the contents:

'My dearest NASHE,

It has been my plesure to speke recently with youre agent who has recommended I come to speke with your at youre neareste connvenience my dearest NASHE. However my lumbago has been playynge uppe. It is regardynge your future employmente forre you know as youre patrone Eye must keepe you upp to speeed wyth all flucktyouashuns in the markett and my owne quite horrendous state of health. Youres hole-heartedly and respecktfully,

Ay remaine ever youre student and admiring and awe-paralys'd

Lady Maude Cockaigne de Morte-Croix'

As you can imagyne, I instantly swallowed my tongue. When was she to comme? And Howe? Watt would she bryng? I fidgeted bravely wyth my buckle, before setting out a table, two chairs, a songbird, a pott of tea, a deuce cups and a cushion for my lady's bakkes sake. No sooner hadde I finish'd the assembly of my litel tea-time than I was smash'd o'er the hede by a huge blakk bible which I took for my conscience. I then removed the songbirde, and replac'd it with a crucificks of Oure Lorde in his Passion, which hadde an electronick voice that sange tolerable well of his LAST DAYS and other such verses as Puritans are fond of.

Lady Maud arriv'd with all due ceremony in a smalle greye helicopter at seven o'clock. I shewed her to her seat and switch'd on the Electrick Saviour, which delighted her no small bit. Indeed, she seem'd so happy that she caste herselfe into the fire-place where almost the length of her right arme was consum'd in the flame. Neverthelesse, she sate down again and sipp'd at her tee with some poise.

-Now Nashe to speke of business.
-Yes Lady Maud.
-Whattt have you beene doinge with your selfe Nashe.
I corrected herr spellynge before replyynge:
-Well Madam I have stuffd a man into a postbox, commemorated the birth of my aunte, been viciously undone by that wretch Docktor Harvey and have revenged the Slight with no less than Epick thoroughness.
-Oh Nashe.

There followd a stiff silence in which we bothe felt for a topick.

-Nashe.
-Yes Lady Maud.
-I want you to peruse these documents and fille me in.
-Yes Lady Maud.
-Nashe here is £78,000 do not spende it on prostitutes.
-Yes Lady Maud.
-I must go Nashe I must go.
-Goodbye Lady Maud.
-Thankyou she almost screamed and threw herself at my nekke then begann breathing very harde.

After I hadde watched her to her helicopter and seen her fly off toward peckham I returned to the rede boxe she hadde left, mark'd NASHE. If I did not follow her commands I should lose my house, my livelihood, her friendship and most importantly a chance to effect my aformentioned revenge on Doctor Harvey through a loss of the Right to Publish. As I sitte here beside the unopen'd boxe it dawns on me that it is going to take me a longe time to rede it all. I shalle begin tomorrow.