Nashes New Veture - the Law Broken - Interview with a Victim of Crime - Another Merrie Execution - The Worke Goeth On

Like a ghastly teen-ager simperynge at hys owne capturd reflexion in an pier-glass, the contents of the rede boxe offerd little more than a self-serving catalogue of fecklesse and forgettable brayinge about its authors shortcominges. I desird to purify the situation in order that I mighte better slepe at night (and when I list, being in the habit recently of taking on deaths counterfeit at whatever hours and at bus-stations, cupboards, shipyards &c.), and decided to RUBBE OUT Lady Mawde as soon as I coulde. The methode I hit uponn was simple. Duryng her absence from the publick eye in her trysts with Harvey, I woulde substitute her Ladyshippe with a brilliant doppelganger who behavd every way like her - and when the Lady found her reputation in rags and tatters after Nashes spurious Maude had disgracd herselfe in the most awfulle ways imaginable, she woulde surely be driven to suicide or worse. Thus removing her from th'equation and leaving Doctor Harvey so love-lorne that he woulde surely knockke hymselfe dede over, and if possible with, her inert bodie.

Firste I needed a patsy, and this was furnishd easily by a tripp downe to the Houses of Parliament where I kidnappd a besuited lady I founde smackd out on a park-benche. She came to in Nashes rooms, stackd in a papier-mache gibbet made from olde pamphlets and pages of invective that I had idly writ againste Harvey and Maude, and wyth a sylver spoon stukke in her mouthe that she streightway spatte oute and berated your humble kidnapper & vigilante proser with the followynge, and in an intolerably excruciating voixe:

-You brazen crimynal y'll hang for thys, I have more than one father and they are Q.C.s all. People lyke you dont deserve to see the lovely birrds nor breathe this sweet air that G-d has gi'en us for nothynge but this (witnesse this) starry entry-stampe that I WEAR upon my SOULE while I see yours is as blanke as a perfickt egge... nor, clystermonger, am I beholden to you to allow myself to be so ridiculously coopd up in the servyce of whatever higgledypiggeldy scheme you mighte be cookynge up in that o'ersizd hede of yours.
-Whye madame, if you wyll lie as if a great human Pen on the universall inkestande of the parke-benche you muste expect to be usd like one.
-Damn youre eyes and please explaine what revoltynge procedures you have shord up against my retaining even the loosest grip on my life or dignity. Ile wager you're to sette me to ransome or on fire or make me into a piece of clip-art or some other devilry, I can see by youre inky hand youre a man of the Pen, I cannot trust those of that colour and certeinly not wyth an eye lyke youres it looketh like a comett smashynge into an eighteen-wheeler.

I approachd her with my pen at fulle cocke and, havynge chargd it with rede inke, drewe a vein-lyne on her tremblynge hande. I swore as her captor that nexte tyme it woulde be reel. She laughd at me.

-You are a pitiful captor. Whats youre name?

A brilliant thoughte strukke me.

-I am Doctor Gabriel Harvey, I proclaimd massively, and th'art an errant...
I was about to storm but founde myselfe utterly loste for thunder. Whats youre name I askd.
-Jereboam she said wyth a twinkle.
-Not Jereboam Manx-Granville, incumbent M.P. for Manchester and bible-eatyng puritan?
-The same.
-Damnd lucke

We continud in this grimm, funcktional manner for some tyme, while I filld her in regardyng the details of my corageous planne. She was to be releasd only upon condition of her takyng on all mannerisms and defeckts of dear old Maud and wearynge the speciall desguise I had procurd for her. Like gods proofreader, I explaind, she would write out Lady Maude's character and in the place of the bumbling ladyshippe would interpolate a new one. We appropriated Mauds mail by brybynge her milk-man, who quyckly putte the poste-man in his pockett and extorted from hym all we needed. Streightaway, we began to worke. She attended the openynge of a garden centre, and Nashe tooke up a guerrilla position behinde the arras, from which I applauded the oeconomical clockworke of my design.

Jereboam steppd to the fronte in her rotting apparatus and in a luxurious, silken tone spoke her speche.

-Speaking on behalf of the board of managers, the investors and the delightful Mrs Tenenbaum, I'd just like to say a few words about how important it is that we continue to invest in Gardens, plants and personal Agriculture. I believe - you know I do! - there was a reason Adam and Eve were only too happy to spend their days gardening [a ripple of knowynge laughter passd through the thronge here as only biblicall humour is wont to provoke in thys daye and age]. It appeals to the most essential parts of what we are. Gardening is more than a pastime or a diversion.

[she begann to waive her hands about dementedly]

Gardening is about slowing down. Keeping ourselves steady. Today, it's difficult even to keep an eye on what's really human.

At this pointe she rushed forward and began to saw offe her owne hede.

General chaos flourishd from th'ensuinge silence like milk bloomyng in liquor. Crowds runninge for safety were pickd off by a gigantick Venus flytrappe that towerd arounde the gate. Already Lady Mauds reputation was seriously damagd and all wede done was dresse up and holde forthe. I was just beginnynge to humm a favourite plainchante when I noticd Jereboam was being strightjacketed and smartly carried off to the local Bedlamme.

I worried, I grit my teeth aboute my tongue backe in my rooms. Who had putte her up to't, they'd aske. But it hitte me like an expresse. All theyde gette woulde be the trouthe.

Doctor Gabriel Harvey.