Saturday, June 11, 2005

Mysterious Circumstances - Twin Luckes Ill and Good - The Moste Horrendous Thynge - A Desperate Yet Brilliaunt Planne

I am verye muche aware that recentlye I have not been as assiduousse as has been my wont in crankynge oute desckripshuns of my adventures. There is a verye simple resoun to this and it will notte take too longe t'explayne. I have been extremely, extremely drunke. More drunke than I have ever been before. So drunke, in fact, that when I woke uppe this morning on a parke benche in Munich, I hadde not the foggiest Idea what or where I was. Tear-blinded, I fashiond a device to catapault myselfe to the toppe of the tallest parke-tree, so that I koud better guage the Lay of the Land. Imagine my horrour when I realisd from my crows-nest, dear reader, that it was not Munich at all. No. It was Axminster. And I was just rubbynge my hede with confusyoun when I herd a very smalle grey voice some 30 feet beneathe me.

A smalle boy had ta'en up residence at the foote of my litel tree, and was screeching out a list of entertainments, to be playd in the square that a'noon. Occasionally, noisome wordes driftd up to Nashe through the branches, wordes like 'fantastick' and 'exotick' and 'amusynge', which I feare and loathe not lesse than Gehenna. Shimmyynge uppe into the higest branches so as t'escape this unwholesome intrusion uponn my mornynge in Axminster, I happd to falle painfully down th'entire tree and backe to earthe. Satisfacktorily, I crushd the boye, but pulld from his mangld hand a Bill of Fare, if you wille, for the forementioned Diversions, to be taking place in the Square &c. &c. Feelynge that some remorse shld be felte for the pore tykes being so cruelly flattend away, I decided to go and have a jolly goode laugh at whatsoever he was peddlynge.

Arrivynge at the Square about Two, I was mette withe a vaste thronge of people, who clusterd like blackberries about a single geometrick point in the plaza. Yet nothyng appeard to be there; it was as if they were inspecting a minute playe. Blastynge my waye to the front, I came upon a site, whose description the lady reader mighte do beste to averte her eyes from, that filld me with a deep sense of shame and Emptinesse.

[Ladye reader plese averte]

The man could notte have been more than 3 feete tall, yet he was glorious wyde, almoste like to a human ziggurat in the thronge at Axminster. His eyes and face seemd in perfickt proportion, yet to see the rest of him was ghastlye, a twisted pranke by Nature. With hands attachd to his shoulders, and feet to his groyne, he somehow fashiond to play on th'ocarina, singynge out a passable swete tune that missd some of the highr notes and I fancye koud have bene done wyth a litel more vigour. The croud abovt hym were wondrovs pleasd and they were applaudynge his every note, e'en the wrong ones of which, as I have noted, there were not a fewe. Callynge oute 'Matthew Buchinger' at the toppes of theyre voyces, they laughed enchanted as the straunge beest attemptd a bowe which saw him falle flatte on his face.

[Ladye reader plese reverte]

I tooke th'opportunity to congratulate the mis-shapen celebritie at my first convenience; I bagged him uppe and tooke him to my roomes by traine. Proppd on the kitchen table, he made quite a strykynge fixture. But I was notte for matchynge the curtayns with my future companyoun.

-Now, 'Buchinger', although I enjoyd youre performance very muche and woulde lyke to congratulate you with a nyce pinte, firste you shalle teche me everythynge you knowe aboute th'ocarina. Also, the hautboye, the straunge flute, the mezzo-soprano,and any other intrumentes you have tuckd away in that suprizing bulke of yours.

Buchinger did notte speke, but blew a short songe on his flute which delightedde me so thate I hadde to put my brewynge planne out before hym before it beganne to stewe.

-You and I, Buchinger, are goynge to forme a musickal groupe. It wyll be calld 'Thomas Nashe and the Straunge Litel Manne', is thatte satisfactory?

Buchinger playd an f-sharpe, a revoltynge note by whyche he meant his displeasure.

-Howe aboute 'Thomas Nashe feat. the Sherriff of Despaire'

Buchinger agreed. I hadde founde his niche. A few dabbes of eyeliner and a swifte arrangemente wyth my agent and we were readye for a Performaunce.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sikerly, ful worthy is youre proiect. Oure nede of newe tidynges of thise lustye kynde is verray wel assuagéd . Certes, I yow biseche ful semely more swiche adventures peradventure soone to telle. I trowe that youre lewednesse is nat semely even for a knaves wyf but for othere manleye man as have we clerkes heere in yoknapatawpha.

6:05 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Youre advys to your Ladye readers - whenne to averte and to reverte - is moste kind and thoughtfull, for mine is the priv'lidge to be a keen yet sadlye Female reader of youre mental efflusions. But youre storie of these most Dolefulle circumstances grows passing difficult then for us ladyes to commprehend, therefore crauing youre indulgence alwayes I plead that soone you wille telle some Tale whych a Ladye may respecktably read, perchance of Kittyns or somesich thynge.

8:27 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Howl! Whence has myne Nashe scarp'r'd fulfar from my side? For whatte misshayp'd purpose dost he negleckt myne ravenous attentiones? Bastard.

4:23 pm  
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