Arrivynge on the Businesse Parke - The Proscenium for Nashes Shop-Scene - The Creche - The Attracktive Mother-of-Twain - The Shoppe-Floore - The Jigge

I walkd to the perimeter of London carefully fosteryng attitudes of benevolence and welcome to the beste of my abilitye, but they soon slumpd destroyd to the lowest shelf of my temp’rament. Alonge an endlesse Croydon track watchd on by eyelesse buildings, I founde the warehouse stucke in a dead sea of concrete, greye as a monument to the dede and as talle as a Catholick churche. It was surrounded by myriad muted cars & vehicles through whych I pickd my way. MFI, tolled the billboarde, and the ‘MFI’ chillynglye ran down my body like a ball-bearing along my veines. Children cryd in the trolley-parke as innocents, flaming furniture, and serpents streamd entangled from the front of the building. Vultures began to gather on the eaves where signs redeing ‘Special Offer’ hung tatterd and ravaged, and I hadde the distinckt feelynge a syngle eye was watchynge.

I leapt to the fronte of the queue for the crèche and asked to deposit a childe.

-You have no childe, sir.
I asserted that my childe was close at hande and would be present in a twinklyng.
-That is a barefacd lie, he retorted.

I koude have runne hym through but with children presente I was not at liberty, byynge an example for the youthe as a cloakd Vigilante.

-Let me in the crèche then, I said quicke as a cat.

He grudgyngly allowd me into the colourful ball area which I thought tolerable and none too bryght. A nurse attemptd to comfort me when I fell from the blue ladder but I heroickally made for the greene one from whose summit I gave a superb Rendition of ‘Childe Behynde the Bar’ much to the astonishmente of all. However, I was on a commission so to speke and my rooms koude nott furnish themselves, so I bade farewelle to most of the denizens of the kaleidoscopick creche and left with a mother-of-twain namd Sophia, husband dec.

Her lyfe story I wyll not bore you wyth but it shoulde suffice to saye she was starvd of company and we entertaind ourselves wyth banterynge one or two of the other shoppers as we orderd oure Hottpot for Lunch. She was shoppynge for a brekefast barre and a kind of jackhammer I know not what. I strukke me I had not even sett foot on the shoppe floure and yet the peripheral entertainments were disractynge enough thatte I was drivn to wonder how I hadde come to thys Elysium at all excepte by the smyle of Fate.

-You are surely the loveliest Mother-of-Twain I have evere encounterd, eye pledgd across the steamynge Hotpot.

But duty calld. I was enforcd to begin my shoppe withoute so muche as a kisse from her, and I betook my cape and daggers to the chair department.

-The hardest and most incommodious chair you have, Sir. I ordered to the shoppe-boy.
He said he should trye and went to fetch a moste simple and utilitarian chayre which would turn a courtesan chaste.
-Here is one, Sir, he sayd, presenting me wyth the block-lyke thynge.
-This is horrendous, I mutterd. Now brynge the bedde whych maynt be slept on.
-Very well, sir. He trotted toward the cellar and gesturd for me to follow.

We passd through many rooms of chaynes, spykes etc that spoke well of the unprecedented Puritanism of the bedde I was plannynge to buye. Eventually, the shoppe-boy unveild a bedde with a surface lyke a billiard ball, and a contour so discontinuous one could pour rainwater on it and be left with ten or twelve separate pools.

-THATTE is the bedde for me, I stoutly announced.

The shoppe-boy was delighted and scratchd his humpe. He was doynge a litel jigge, I noted.

-Very well, sir, he replyd. He kepte jiggynge, as if he were clockworke.

I didde not know whatt it was but there came a ringynge in my ear lyke a silver bell hadde been sette to tinkle in me. Yet it tinkled out of season, and furthermore too quickly. And further to thatte I felt my balance shakynge and the bell was tollynge and not tinkling more. Thenne I felte the syngle eye on me agayne.

I lookd rounde, whereon I felt a sharpe whacke on my hede and a sense of occluding dizziness o’ertake your wholesome Thomas Nashe.