The Kidnappe Continues - A Dialogue Wyth Popery - A Helpless Bearing of Witnesse - A Shy Retirement
-Ah Thomas Nashe, Sophia scornd in her most villeinous voix, and pingd my fastenyngs. I understande you were attemptynge to buye a bedde.
Foolyshly, I tooke thys for a kynde of sexual invitation.
-Although youre husbande is quite deceasd I phancy you have a passynge intereste in Nashe kitted up as he ys in crimefightynge splendour and armd to the teethe.
-You imbecile, Nashe, she growld between clenchd white teethe. I am nott interested in you.
I balked at the prospeckt of a kidnappe situation under anybody’s supervision but my owne.
-What is it thatte you want? I demanded of the demented Mother-of-Twain.
-I worke for the Catholick Churche she explaind, swyngynge her handbagge lyke a hypnotyst’s clocke. I am especially interested in the propagation of its rituals and its Rules for Conduckt. Yet more especially I am strongly objeckted to such Puritanical purchases as the bedde upon whych you are currently stucke and would rather a sense of opulence and grandeur were injeckted into the proceedynges of the lives of each citizen of this United K and I don’t merely mean of religion. Happily, I have payrolld the staffe here at MFI wyth credit from the Pope and Britannia wyll soon see the whole of thys magestick retail chain transformd into a emporium for the purchase of nothynge but good Catholickal opulence and honest glitz.
Thys kind of monstrous behaviour I could not stomache, and beganne to hatche a planne for my escape. My minde racd to aske a difficult question of the Popish harlot.
-When didde you last confesse? I queried hopefully.
-I do not confesse! - she declard happily - I am savynge it uppe for a really good one. But synce you aske there are severale different categories of sinne thatte I feele I have really excelld at and Ide love to fille you inne.
-That sounds superbe! I cryd merrily, playynge for time.
-First of all, beganne Sophia, who was not unattracktive, my first sinne was involvynge the beastes of God’s creation. I dressd them uppe in glamour fashions and sette them oute on a daytrip to Morecambe where they ate 6. Thenne my next sinne was settynge fire to my dogge. Thenne my nexte sinne was cheatynge on my exam and when I was caught I wrote a pamphlette ‘gainst the other girle and she was burnt at the stake. So I got offe quite well. After thatte I cut the legs offe a chaire and sat on it in the middle of the M4 to protest against oil prices.
-You are truly a monstere, I humoured her hopynge she would be delighted. Sure enough she skipped and hoppd like a teenager. I askd after her children.
-They are styll in the colourful ball area where we lefte them earlier Nashe. She gave a litel kisse on my cheke. I admitte I was touchd. Unfortunately she was suddenly wise to my game and began torturynge me most horriblye after an unrelatable fashion
When she had finyshd she reminded me I was about to witnesse the New Dawn &c. and sundrie other tropes I had taken care to insulate myselfe against when I sett oute to become a crimefighter. Thenne she drew backe a red curtain revealynge a clockworke mappe of the UK wyth all MFI’s markd. She set fyre to it and behind was slowly revealed a grandiose paintynge of the Pope as the ashes felle lyke sleet in the springtime before her. The nation wyll be golden and all transactions, behaviours and so on thoroughly ritualised, she proclaimd, and I koude feele her blinkerd and ungodly planne rollynge into axion.
-Sadly nowe we must parte, Thomas Nashe, she sayd. I do not care for Stockholme Syndrome but I have never hadde trouble wyth it before and if you ever try to calle me I will have you detaind indefinitely. But you canne go nowe. She undid me and I was taken home to my rooms by the humped shoppe-boy.
Nothynge remayned that was honest or simple any longer. Confusd and hungry, I tried to continue in a land that was turning to inedible and idiotick golde under the elegantly booted foot of its insane quean.
Foolyshly, I tooke thys for a kynde of sexual invitation.
-Although youre husbande is quite deceasd I phancy you have a passynge intereste in Nashe kitted up as he ys in crimefightynge splendour and armd to the teethe.
-You imbecile, Nashe, she growld between clenchd white teethe. I am nott interested in you.
I balked at the prospeckt of a kidnappe situation under anybody’s supervision but my owne.
-What is it thatte you want? I demanded of the demented Mother-of-Twain.
-I worke for the Catholick Churche she explaind, swyngynge her handbagge lyke a hypnotyst’s clocke. I am especially interested in the propagation of its rituals and its Rules for Conduckt. Yet more especially I am strongly objeckted to such Puritanical purchases as the bedde upon whych you are currently stucke and would rather a sense of opulence and grandeur were injeckted into the proceedynges of the lives of each citizen of this United K and I don’t merely mean of religion. Happily, I have payrolld the staffe here at MFI wyth credit from the Pope and Britannia wyll soon see the whole of thys magestick retail chain transformd into a emporium for the purchase of nothynge but good Catholickal opulence and honest glitz.
Thys kind of monstrous behaviour I could not stomache, and beganne to hatche a planne for my escape. My minde racd to aske a difficult question of the Popish harlot.
-When didde you last confesse? I queried hopefully.
-I do not confesse! - she declard happily - I am savynge it uppe for a really good one. But synce you aske there are severale different categories of sinne thatte I feele I have really excelld at and Ide love to fille you inne.
-That sounds superbe! I cryd merrily, playynge for time.
-First of all, beganne Sophia, who was not unattracktive, my first sinne was involvynge the beastes of God’s creation. I dressd them uppe in glamour fashions and sette them oute on a daytrip to Morecambe where they ate 6. Thenne my next sinne was settynge fire to my dogge. Thenne my nexte sinne was cheatynge on my exam and when I was caught I wrote a pamphlette ‘gainst the other girle and she was burnt at the stake. So I got offe quite well. After thatte I cut the legs offe a chaire and sat on it in the middle of the M4 to protest against oil prices.
-You are truly a monstere, I humoured her hopynge she would be delighted. Sure enough she skipped and hoppd like a teenager. I askd after her children.
-They are styll in the colourful ball area where we lefte them earlier Nashe. She gave a litel kisse on my cheke. I admitte I was touchd. Unfortunately she was suddenly wise to my game and began torturynge me most horriblye after an unrelatable fashion
When she had finyshd she reminded me I was about to witnesse the New Dawn &c. and sundrie other tropes I had taken care to insulate myselfe against when I sett oute to become a crimefighter. Thenne she drew backe a red curtain revealynge a clockworke mappe of the UK wyth all MFI’s markd. She set fyre to it and behind was slowly revealed a grandiose paintynge of the Pope as the ashes felle lyke sleet in the springtime before her. The nation wyll be golden and all transactions, behaviours and so on thoroughly ritualised, she proclaimd, and I koude feele her blinkerd and ungodly planne rollynge into axion.
-Sadly nowe we must parte, Thomas Nashe, she sayd. I do not care for Stockholme Syndrome but I have never hadde trouble wyth it before and if you ever try to calle me I will have you detaind indefinitely. But you canne go nowe. She undid me and I was taken home to my rooms by the humped shoppe-boy.
Nothynge remayned that was honest or simple any longer. Confusd and hungry, I tried to continue in a land that was turning to inedible and idiotick golde under the elegantly booted foot of its insane quean.
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